Football award season is very much like a family Christmas, in that it’s overhyped, full of arguing and you’d much rather be watching Gavin and Stacey than actively participating.

Quit the squabbling over whether Beth Mead or Aitana Bonmati were robbed at this year’s Ballon d’Or, and instead enjoy 90min’s alternative women’s football awards for 2022, where talent is forgotten and we celebrate the absurd, the outrageous and the Arnold Clark.

So sit back and relax as we hand over to our alternative women’s football awards hosts for the evening, Jill Scott and the Euro 2022 trophy, who will run us through our winners.

We’re spoilt for choice when it comes to iconic women’s football images in 2022; Chloe Kelly whipping off her shirt like the west London Brandi Chastain as she celebrated netting the winner in the Euro 2022 final, the USWNT officially signing the equal pay collective bargaining agreement following years of campaigning, and that cat wearing round glasses that looked a bit like Sarina Wiegman.

But there is one, enduring image of 2022 that tops them all.

Ballon d’Or-winning Barcelona playmaker Alexia Putellas sharing the Arnold Clark Cup golden boot with England centre-back Millie Bright.

Which leads us on nicely to our next award…

Choose to sack off the SheBelieves. Choose Middlesbrough. Choose Norwich. Choose Wolverhampton. Choose the Olympic gold medalists. Choose the Ballon d’Or winner. Choose the eight-time European champions. Choose rain. Choose lots of it at Carrow Road. Choose Millie Bright. Choose to chuck her up front when you need a goal in the final 10 minutes. Choose the 2022 Arnold Clark Cup.

Imagine having the cheek to attempt to chip the goalkeeper from the edge of the area in a Manchester derby. Imagine pulling it off and then trying it again, exactly a year later when your team need a goal and you’ve been on the pitch for a full six minutes.

Caroline Weir’s Manchester derby winner in February was simply outrageous.

Weir watching back her derby winner for the first time is also wonderful. She actually winces apologetically at how outrageous it is.

Arsenal boss Jonas Eidevall was accidentally introduced to English daytime TV while attempting to watch the FA Cup quarter-final draw in February. The draw was being shown on topical BBC One show Morning Live (daytime’ answer to the One Show), but it wasn’t the first item on the programme’s agenda.

Eidevall fell into the trap that many women’s football fans did that day, watching Gethin Jones and Sam Quek making pancakes and whimsical small talk for a good 15 minutes while patiently waiting to find out who their opponent in the FA Cup last eight was.

“I learned it was some kind of pancake day,” Eidevall said later when asked for his reaction to the draw.

“I saw it was on BBC and tried to watch it and they were talking about pancakes, then I had to go into a meeting and didn’t see it. Someone told me just now that we have Coventry so I haven’t had a chance to think about it yet. I am thinking about pancakes tonight though.”

Chelsea beat Manchester City 3-2 in a breathless FA Cup final in May, securing a domestic double for the Blues and their second consecutive FA Cup triumph. How did manager Emma Hayes plan to celebrate?

“I’m going back with my team and having a long, strong drink,” said Hayes. “The season’s over – I expect to be carried home.”

And off she skipped to BOXPARK Wembley.

Ella Toone lived out many people’s dream by opening the scoring in the Euro 2022 final in front of a record Wembley crowd with a beautifully lofted finish. However, the occasion will always be marred for the Manchester United midfielder, as she did so without her trademark eyelash extensions.

“I got them done and they fell out, now I’m at the final with no lashes – it’s a nightmare. I’m actually really gutted,” Toone explained. “I’m off to Ibiza tomorrow – get home, get my lashes done.”

Austria celebrated victories at both Euro 2017 and Euro 2022 by crashing their manager’s post-match press conferences. After beating a star-studded Norway in their last group match to book their place in the quarter-finals, off they headed to see boss Irene Fuhrmann and the assembled media with all the key ingredients for a wild celebration.

Austria said I see your champagne, party hats and streamers, and I raise you a handful of caution, wet floor signs.

The players were also all decked out in face masks, because you can be a total maverick and crash a press conference, while simultaneously maintaining full respect for Covid-19 guidelines.

The Mary Earps moves, coming to a ballroom near you. The steps are quite simple:

1. Clamber onto a desk (preferably in front of Sarina Wiegman).
2. Throw two arms in the air.
3. Move those hips like there’s no tomorrow.
4. Sing Football’s Coming Home at the top of your lungs.
5. Clamber down and hastily make your apologies to Sarina.
6. Clutching a water bottle for the duration is mandatory.

As Scouting for Girls once said: I wish I was James Bond, just for the day.

Alessia Russo threw her hat into the ring to become Daniel Craig’s successor with her antics in the Euro 2022 final, subtly peaking over the shoulder of Kathrin Hendrich to attempt to read a tactical note handed to her from the Germany bench.

Russo later revealed it was nothing more than wind up tactics – but that’s exactly what someone undercover would say.

In the Euro 2022 final in front of 87,000 people, as Germany started to push England deeper and deeper into their own half, Keira Walsh managed to play a 40-yard lofted pass to take six German players out of the game with the perfect weight and pace for the Ella Toone to latch onto and superbly lift over Merle Frohms to give the Lionesses the lead.

Amid all the haste, panic and pressure of a European Championship final, how did Walsh not only spot the run of Toone, but also execute the pass to perfection?

“I heard her shouting in her little Wigan accent, pointing, and I thought: I better put this on a plate for her.”

When you’ve got the Euro 2022 victory parade at 10:00 and you’re hitting the slopes at 12:00. And you’re nursing a big, fat, European champion hangover.

Less than 24 hours before leading her country out in front of 90,000 people at Wembley in the Euro 2022 final; the biggest game of her career and in the history of the Lionesses, 25-year-old Leah Williamson somehow managed to come out with this:

“I think what we’ve seen in the tournament already is that this hasn’t just been a change for women’s football but society in general, how we’re looked upon, and I think tomorrow is not the end of a journey but the start of one.

“I’ve only ever been involved in this workplace in football but I think in workplaces across the world women still have a few more battles to face and to try and overcome.

“I think for every success that we make and every change of judgement or perception or opening the eyes of somebody who views women as someone with the potential to be equal to their male counterpart, that makes change in society.

“That’s a powerful message we have the power to [spread] in a typically male dominated environment. These strides that we take forward can impact everybody on a wider scale.”

Over to you, Jill….